Happy 2nd Birthday, Elliot!

My dearest Elliot,

It is the eve of your second birthday as I sit and type this letter to you.   I find myself thinking, "Wow...what a year!"   and "Where do I begin?!?"   My first thought is, "Time flies when you are having fun!"   As your mommy, I find myself falling more and more in love with you every day.   I remember when you were first born and how smitten I was.   I found myself wondering, "Will this feeling fade?   Will this feeling change?"  For me, the answer is 'no.'    You constantly amaze me.

C.S. Lewis once wrote, "Joy is the serious business of heaven."   I'd like to add to this and say that joy is also the serious business of parenting.  

This year has been a year of growth for you.   Your vocabulary, especially!   You love to talk.   You're able to tell us what you want and you make your own choices.    You know your body parts.   You can identify pictures.   You have great balance.   You are amazing with a ball!  You've got a great arm, kid!    You love to run, climb, walk, and dance.    And sometimes you take a break from these things to remove your socks and shoes.   You're experimenting and pretending a lot.    I love to watch you analyze and imagine.    You're learning to draw/write - it's so darn cute!   You greet people with hugs and kisses.   You are using the potty more and more each week.   You're in love with books.  You're never without a car/truck/train.   And still, after all this time .... one of your favorite things to do is to take a rest with your head or your hand on my heart.

The other night, you took my breath away.   We were watching one of your favorite movies (Finding Nemo) and you had your hand on my heart.   I pointed to my heart and said, "What's this?"   You replied, "HEART!"   I then said to you, "Do you know you are my heart?"

You let out one of your beautiful laughs and said to me, "Duh, mommy!"

I then asked you to point to your heart.   And you did just that.   You pointed to your heart and you said, "Mommy."  It literally took my breath away.   You are without a doubt, the love of my life.   For the past two years now I have told you every single day that you are my love and my joy.

"His banner over me was love."  (Song of Solomon 2:4)

My biggest hope and dream for you aside from happiness, is that you always follow your heart.   You are already overflowing with God's Grace.    You don't earn grace, and you don't "deserve" grace; you simply receive it as God's loving gift, and then share it with others.   You are barely two years old and you already do this.   You have such a beautiful spirit and I know it will only continue to blossom.  

I know in time years from now you are going to come up against some tough stuff.   Heck, you might even come up against some tough stuff in the next year as we begin to face the supposed "terrible twos"...  And as redundant as this may be, I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy will always be there for you.   We are always in your heart.    Follow your heart, sweet boy.   It will take you to the most extraordinary places.   Never regret loving someone, never take someones love for granted, either.  

Listen to your heart.   It's where your values live.    Everything you are learning about God from us, your family, and your Godparents rests in your heart.    No one will ever be able to take that away from you.  This upcoming year you will be learning more about God and prayer.   God delights in the prayers of His children - prayers that express our love for Him, prayers that share our deepest burdens with Him.  "The unfailing love of the Lord never ends!"  (Lamentations 3:22)..... nor does the love your Daddy and I have for you.

Elliot, you are the love of our life.   We are so blessed to have you as our son.    You bring us so much joy.   I have been thanking God for you ever since I first heard your glorious heartbeat in March of 2011.    I thanked God even more two years ago when I finally met you face to face.   You have changed my life for the better.    And just as you have grown, I have grown.    And we will together continue to do so.    You are my greatest blessing.  

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.    My love.   My joy.  

I love you with all my heart.

Love,
Mommy.

It really is that simple

I can't believe I have to say this.... 

I can't believe I am typing this...

Recently, another female in my personal life made a very hurtful comment to me about Elliot's upbringing.   She asked me how was it that we were going to raise Elliot as a Christian with having a Godfather who just happens to be a homosexual.   

A direct quote in her monologue:  "It's in the Bible....this is wrong."    At first, I was flattered to find out that my best friend and my son made it into the Bible.   I sarcastically asked, "Whoa!  What book!?!?!   I missed it!!!!"

She could tell I was insulted by my immediate sarcastic retort.   I finally said, "We believe in love.   God is love.  Love is love.   Elliot is going to continue to be brought up surrounded by love."   Maybe it was in my facial expressions, but the subject was quickly changed.

I wanted to forget this even happened.

I really did.   REALLY.

But I can't forget it, even though I've forgiven it.   And since writing is my best release, I've turned to Elliot's blog - this forum - to let it out.   I've turned to writing to say alllllll the things I wish I could have said if I wasn't in such a state of SHOCK.    

So it's time to write it out folks.   The best way I can do so is in bullet points - bare with me. There's no real order to my comments - you have been warned - I'm just typing my thoughts.   

Notice:  if you are homophobic, I encourage you to read no further and move on NOW.  :)

• Don't ever bring up Bible verses to me in your argument .... I'll have you drowning in scripture before you know it.... in fact.... you may experience this as you read on...(Keep in mind you're dealing with an inner city Philadelphia girl...former Catholic...now Evangelical Lutheran ... married to a man with a Bible Fellowship background.... my relationship with Christ is enough in itself to make your head spin)

• So the first set of facts needed:  Joe is my best friend.   He is my HEART.   He is my first true love and in many ways, my soul mate (other than Mark, of course!).   He has been there for me through thick and thin.  He has cried with me, he has celebrated with me.   He has loved me when I didn't love me.   He has encouraged me.  He has treasured me.  He has put me in my place when I've been wrong.  He loves me despite how imperfect I am.  He was my man of honor in my wedding.  (told ya, I'm not one for tradition - ha!)   He has never NOT been there for me.  Heck, just last summer he was with me taking care of me during my surgery where I practically had my face ripped off.  He has never judged me.   He has never lied to me.  We have no secrets.   He and I can be miles and miles apart and know instantly when something is up with the other.   He is my family.   He is a second son to my parents.   When my dad was sick this year, he was RIGHT there with him.    When my mom had her heart attack this year, Joe was RIGHT there with her --- and then did house cleaning for them without even being asked.   Joe is a man of strong moral character.   And yes, he's in love with another man - a truly wonderful man.  A man that I've come to love as well.   
• Second set of facts regarding Joe - he was there for me through my entire pregnancy.  And guess what, he was there for me through the entire infertility journey.  Every appointment he called for an update.   Every miscarriage.  Every heartache.   Every tear.   And every joy as I carried Elliot.  Joe is the true definition of a friend.  He is love.  He is my heart just as my son and my husband are my heart.   He is the perfect role model.   Him being engaged to a man as he acts as a second father to my son is no issue to me, nor is it an issue for my husband.   It's truly just not an issue.    When Elliot is older and he is having questions about his sexuality, he will be encouraged to talk to his Uncles - whether they are "straight" or "not."   Elliot is being raised in love.   Again, it really is THAT simple.  

• “Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.” Romans 15:7     Let me know if I need to break that down for ya, homie.   

• "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."  1 John 4:7

• No one is born with hatred or intolerance.   Tis true, yo.    Look it up.   Do the research.   Elliot is being brought up in a loving Christian home.   We're not haters.  We don't judge.  We love love.   It's that simple.

• Um, gay marriage is totally fine and if a man marries a man it doesn't mean people will start marrying their pets next.  That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.   

• I know more successful and loving homosexual relationships than heterosexual relationships.

• True love is always recognizable.    Another verse?   Look out.... here it comes....

• "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law."   Romans 13:8

• Lately, you hear a lot of this - "I'm not against gay people, I'm just for TRADITIONAL marriage."   Similar distinctions have been made in the past in our American history.   That's like saying, "I'm not against black people, I'm just for traditional slavery"   or "I'm not against women, I'm just for traditional gender roles."   Guess what....slavery and subjugation of women are in the Bible, too.  WHY is it that homosexuality is the no-no of the Bible people openly discuss?   I guess I'm going straight to hell then because if I took the Bible as literal as most it means I would need to go in hiding when I menstruate, completely change my diet and probably have to fire my hairdresser while I'm at it.    God is about love folks.   Love.  Grace.   It's really that simple.

• Oh no!   It's time for another verse.   AGH!   Look out!    

• "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs"   Proverbs 10:12

So.... to wrap this all up.... we are in no way worried or concerned about Elliot having a gay Godfather. He's a wonderful man.   We are also in no way worried about our son being gay.    We love love.  Our greatest hope for our son is that he knows love and finds love.   It really is that simple.   

Elliot meets Mareah!

One of my dearest and most favorite people in all the world is my friend Jennifer.   Jennifer, like me, is a "cyster."    She is a phenomenal friend.    She stood by me and supported me through my entire pregnancy only for me to soon find out she was pregnant as well.    The last time I saw Jennifer she was in her first tri-mester and Elliot was only one month old.   (We live FAR apart)

Last night we had the opportunity to visit with Jennifer and Mareah while she is in town.    Some pictures are blurry - and rightfully so - it's difficult trying to get a 16 month old boy and a 7 month old gal to sit still.    These photos are priceless to me.  

Elliot meets Auntie SB!

Elliot met his Auntie SB today!

We're so excited that he is six months old now because it means he can go up over mountains with no ear issues!    We're excited to go and visit her this summer!    She spoiled him of course - and Mommy too.    I can't wait for the two of them to have time together again!   He really enjoyed her!    :)

Happy Birthday, Mark!

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband!   My Mark!

Mark,
Thank you for always being the one I can run to - for anything.   You've been my best friend for the past ten years.   You are without a doubt, my soul mate.    Thank you for loving me unconditionally.    Thank you for standing by me through everything.   Thank you for supporting me and encouraging me with my hopes and dreams.    Through countless tears and melt downs on our road to infertility, you never let go of my hand.   Through miscarriages and let downs, you were there.   You wiped my tears.   You stood by my side.   You never made me feel "less than."   You kept our dream of being parents alive through your constant faith and optimism.   And now, on your birthday.... you have your son.    You are a phenomenal father.    Elliot is head over heels in love with his daddy.    You two are my world!  My men!   I hope this is your best birthday yet, and I'm looking forward to spending many more with you!   So happy 34th my love, but happy 1st birthday as a daddy.  We love you. 
All my love for always and forever,
Leigh Anne

4 month letter to Elliot

March 7, 2012

My dear sweet Elliot,

It is March! And you are officially 4 months old! In honor of March being the month we celebrate St. Patrick's Day... I want this letter to be a story of how YOU came to be. The lesson for this letter will be for you to always follow your heart and to never give up. And above all else, trust in God. There is nothing in this world that you could do that would stop God (or daddy and I) from loving you.

You are a miracle. You are my love and my joy - and I tell you every day! There has not been one day where you have not heard those words followed by a big smooch and an "I love you!" I will probably tell you this story 1,000 times before you turn eighteen. And you will probably get super tired of hearing it. I just feel it is important for you to know what a blessing you are. There will come times in your life where you question your existence, where you question your worth, where you question everything. This letter is your answer to those tough questions. This letter is to let you know you are a dream come true and a part of God's plan. Now... on to our story!

Your daddy and I met back in November of 2002 and when we first met I knew IMMEDIATELY I was going to marry him. Oh, I was so upset! I never expected to get married but when I saw him - I just knew. My heart fluttered, and I just knew. I thought my calling in life was to be a teacher and a career woman and if I ended up getting married, cool. I always knew I wanted to have children but I never knew it would happen. Your daddy and I have an awesome love. We laugh together all the time and we enjoy our time together. We are best friends, and that's important. We married on May 14, 2005 at Saint John's Evangelical Lutheran Church. Our wedding was gorgeous! We made the decision to NOT try for a baby until we were married for one year. We knew too many people with "bad" or "boring" marriages because they're lives went from being about their relationship to about raising the children with no balance. We wanted to have our time as man and wife before creating a baby.

On our one-year anniversary, we went up to the family cabin for a romantic get away. After some time, I started feeling very worried that I was not getting pregnant. We could not figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't necessarily feeling "sick" --- I just knew something was not right with my body. My body started doing sad things that we could not explain. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS. Be grateful for being male, you won't have to worry about ovaries. :)

Every month your daddy and I anxiously waited for news that you were growing inside my tummy. Every month we had sad news. Every month we prayed and we didn't give up. Finally, after Mother's Day in 2010, I got really angry. Oh I was so upset!!! I marched into the doctor’s office (without an appointment) and demanded to see the doctor.

I told the doctor that I couldn’t have another Mother's Day without a baby. My heart hurt too much. All around me I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and babies. I wanted a baby. I wanted you. One of the nurses came into the room and told me about her friend’s father, Dr. Pellegrini. She told me that he was a wonderful doctor and that he could help us. The doctor came back in with a list of doctors that she thought could help your daddy and I. Dr. Pellegrini's name was on the list. He's such a good doctor that you had to wait some time to see him. I made an appointment to see him in July, after I came home from Ireland.

In June of 2010, Nana and I went on a trip to IRELAND! In every single Cathedral and Church we went to, we prayed for you. At St. Patrick's Cathedral (Dublin, Ireland), your Nana wrote a prayer in the prayer book for God to bless your daddy and I with a baby. I wrote two prayers in the book. I wrote a prayer for you. I also wrote a prayer for other women dealing with PCOS and infertility. I realized in Ireland that God had something wonderful in store for your daddy and I. I think I needed time away from everything to really have time with God. Ireland was the perfect place.

When I came home from Ireland, I met Dr. Pellegrini. We had lots of tests run and finally made a plan to fix my body so that it was ready to hold a baby. Christmas time came, and I went to see Dr. Pellegrini to see how my body was doing with the treatment for my thyroid and PCOS. He promised me that I would never again have a miscarriage and definitely not on his watch. I looked at him as if he were a crazy man! That's one heck of a promise to make! He told me that he felt this was my last Christmas without a baby and that I would be pregnant by the next time I see him (which would have been in April). He said that if I were not pregnant by April, then we would talk about taking special medicine to get me pregnant. He also said for me to enjoy my Christmas because next Christmas would be totally different. I was excited, but still thought he was nuts!

In January of 2011, my thyroid went whacko and Dr. Pellegrini told us to just focus on getting my thyroid under control instead of focusing on having a baby. It was a completely unexpected setback, which turned out to be minor. In February of 2011, your daddy and I FINALLY treated ourselves to a night out on the town and we went to see our favorite singer (Brad Paisley) in concert. We had such a good time! I remember on my twenty-ninth birthday, I posted on facebook (a social networking website which will probably be dead by the time you read this) that I just wasn't where I wanted to be at the age of twenty-nine. I remember writing about how badly I wanted to be a mommy. Your mommy. Little did I know, you were already growing inside of me.

In March of 2011, the fun began! I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. Your daddy and I didn't believe it. We knew you were coming. A few days after taking the test, I woke up from a very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was nursing you and Pud walked into the room and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade. It was the weirdest dream! I woke your daddy up and said, "I'm pregnant. I just dreamt it." It was 3am and your daddy looked at me as if I were off my rocker. I said to him, "I just dreamt that I was nursing a little boy and my dad came home and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade."

We got out of bed and I took a test. It was positive! We were so happy! We jumped up and down screaming in delight! We were crying tears of happiness. I saw Dr. Pellegrini every other day for the next five weeks to make sure you were safe and sound. During that time, we got to hear your heartbeat for the very first time and it was amazing.

Your daddy and I invited your Grammy to come with us for that appointment which was on St. Patrick's Day! I remember laying on the table and just watching your teeny tiny spec of a being twinkle like a star. I remember crying as I heard your heart beating. It was a magical and healing sound. I can't help but think of that twinkle when I sing "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" to you. Hearing your heartbeat on Saint Patrick's Day was incredibly symbolic to me. Here we were on this Irish Holiday listening to the baby we prayed so hard for. Listening to your heartbeat I thought of all the prayers I sent up to God here and when in Ireland. I thought of the shamrock and how the shamrock represents God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I knew then and there that you would be safe. I knew then and there that this dream we had dreamed for so long, was coming true.

I had an awesome pregnancy. There were no issues during the pregnancy and I loved growing in belly as you grew inside. I talked to you every single day of the pregnancy. Your daddy did, too. Every night before bed he would kiss my belly and then my cheek. We were so excited that you were coming. Actually, I should say EVERYONE was excited you were finally coming.

Before we knew it, November was here! You were scheduled to arrive on 11-7-11 via c-section. I had to have a c-section because you were so goofy that in October you decided to turn around inside of me ... you ended up facing my back with your toes in my ears. You definitely had personality in utero and you definitely have personality out! Holding you in my arms for the first time was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

You were named Elliot Walter. You were given a strong name for a reason. You are named after my Nana, Eleanor. "Elliot" means "The Lord is my God." You were named Walter after your Pud and GGPopWalt. "Walter" means "Commander of the Army". When you put these two names together it basically means "Strong faith" which is exactly what got you here. Strong faith. STRONG FAITH. And love. LOVE.

When your Pud came up to visit us in the hospital, I told him that I needed to nurse you. He then asked me if I needed anything, like a Gatorade from the cafeteria. Talk about déjà-vu! And... Christmas time came, and Dr. Pellegrini was so right. Christmas was perfect. PERFECT.

The point of this story is not just to tell you how you came to be. The main point is I want you to know that God has a plan for you. That God loves you. And that there is nothing in this world that you can't do without God. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop me from loving you. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop GOD from loving you. Elliot, you were in my heart from the very start. And when I first heard your heart, my heart grew. And now my sweet boy - you are my heart. I love you. You and your daddy are the loves of my life. You are the love of our life. You are our love and our joy.

Love,

Mommy

PS: When I see Shamrocks, I smile.

PS #2: When I see gatorade, I smile.

PS # 3: When I see you, I smile.

PS #4: When you smile, I smile

My husband has the most loyal, loving, understanding and patient heart. He is an amazing father. Amazing. It is my hope and dream that Elliot finds a love like ours. There has never been a day in our ten years together where we have not laughed. Even through the hard stuff. And the really hard stuff. I'm so in love. <3

One month letter to Elliot

My dear sweet Elliot Walter,

Well, my love? How does it feel to be on this earth for a month now? Each month for your first year of life I have vowed to write you a letter. This being your first month letter will be mushy. In coming months, I'll probably write about the cool things your doing, the milestones you've reached. But this letter is your starter letter where I won't go into too much detail about how good you are at sleeping and how cool it is that you can hold your head up super well (since you were two days old, in fact)! You will receive these letters when you're old enough and in a home of your own. So here we go... :)

Every morning when you wake up, I hold you close to my heart and look into your big gorgeous eyes and tell you, "Good morning my Elliot. You are my love and my joy." Every morning I say this to you, and you'll probably get tired of hearing it at some point... but it's true. You are my love. And you are my joy.

I can't believe it has already been a month. A whole month of mommy-hood for me! Without a doubt, you are a dream come true. You are an answer to a prayer. You are an inspiration to many women and couples struggling with infertility. You were an inspiration from the very beginning. You are my love and my joy.

I think one of the neatest things about being your mommy is how my heart can comfort you. You are so tiny and you can't talk yet. So crying is your way of communicating. I learned your cries instantly. Being able to comfort you means a lot to me because you have brought comfort to your father and I. It took mommy and daddy a very long time to get you here and now that you are here we are in complete awe of you. Sometimes we just lay with you and thank God for allowing our love to create you. At one point I said to your daddy, "My heart comforts him. I wonder if he knows that he IS my heart."

You are my love, and my joy.

You are a true miracle. You are literal living proof of the power of faith, love, and determination. You prove that there is nothing you can't do in this world without setting your mind to it. According to some doctors of my past, you shouldn't even exist. I was told I'd never have a healthy baby boy... let alone a baby at all. God blessed me with you. We proved them wrong.

You are my love, and my joy.

I hope and pray that as you grow up that you know and feel the love we feel for you. I hope you never ever doubt how loved and cared for you are. I hope you know that you are a dream come true to us. I hope you cherish yourself as much as we cherish you. I hope you carry yourself well and with strong moral character. I hope you know that we'll always be here for you.

You ARE my love and my JOY!

Soon after you were born, certain questions were asked.

The first questions was, "Was the wait worth it?" Most definitely! Good things take time and if there is anything I've learned is that we are on God's time and God's plan - not our own.

The second question was a bit harder, "Now that Elliot is here, is there still pain there from all you went through to get him here?"

Wow. That's a tough one! I never want to hold things from you, there will be no secrets between us. So by the time you read this letter you will probably know all about our journey to get you here. So to answer the question about the pain... the answer is... no. The pain is gone. And I remember FEELING it transform. The pain of the past started to dwindle the instant I heard you cry. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

The pain became an instant blur the moment you were put in my arms. When your daddy brought you to me, I was still shaking from the medication and so worried I'd drop you. In that instant that he put you in my arms... the shaking STOPPED, my heart FILLED, and the past became a BLUR. It seemed like it was all a million yesterdays away. You were in my arms and you kept looking at me and holding onto my fingers. Your hand inside my hand cured the pain of the past. Your eyes looking into my eyes transformed what was once so vivid into a magical blur.

You are my love and my joy.

You are the greatest thing I've ever done.

Being your mom is an honor I will never take for granted.

So my first lesson for you in this first letter to you will be to always put your faith and trust in the Lord. Always know that God is with you. And always know that you are very loved.

Afterall, you are my LOVE and my JOY.

I love you,

--Mommy

Elliot Walter meets Walter Sr.

Choosing a name for my son was not a hard task to do. My brother suggested the name Elliot. I had always wanted to name my daughter, Eleanor, after my Nana. I once had a doctor tell me that I'd never have a healthy baby boy. So when I found out I was having a son... and that he was 100% healthy... I was in shock!

Elliot is named after Eleanor. His middle name is Walter. Walter is my Grandfather's name and my Father's name. We will call him Walter in Polish. :)

Elliot was able to meet his GG PopWalt this Thanksgiving and it was wonderful. My grandfather told me how proud he was of me, and that meant a lot to me. His approval is important to me. No real reason why, it just is. He's a great man and I'm blessed to be nearly 30 years old and still have my grandfather. He's my only grandparent left.

My Grandfather and my Dad have always been there for me. They're wonderful men and I hope Elliot grows to be a man of strong moral character.

Just look at my Grandfather's face... he's so proud and excited to have a second great grandson. I'm so proud to just have Elliot in my life. He's a dream come true. :)

First family photo... so fitting!

I think one of the most interesting things we had noticed recently was that Mark and I had NO pictures of us with Elliot since his birthday.

Not one photo! We have lots of photos of Elliot. And Elliot with me. And Elliot with him. But no family photo.

It was only fitting that our first family photo be taken in front of the altar we were married at. St. John's Church is amazing . Our Pastor has been a dear friend to me through the years and it was wonderful taking Elliot up to Pastor Lee for his first blessing.

I can't wait to have these photos framed. I have lots of pictures I need to print off and albums to start. These photos mean so very much to me.