4 month letter to Elliot

March 7, 2012

My dear sweet Elliot,

It is March! And you are officially 4 months old! In honor of March being the month we celebrate St. Patrick's Day... I want this letter to be a story of how YOU came to be. The lesson for this letter will be for you to always follow your heart and to never give up. And above all else, trust in God. There is nothing in this world that you could do that would stop God (or daddy and I) from loving you.

You are a miracle. You are my love and my joy - and I tell you every day! There has not been one day where you have not heard those words followed by a big smooch and an "I love you!" I will probably tell you this story 1,000 times before you turn eighteen. And you will probably get super tired of hearing it. I just feel it is important for you to know what a blessing you are. There will come times in your life where you question your existence, where you question your worth, where you question everything. This letter is your answer to those tough questions. This letter is to let you know you are a dream come true and a part of God's plan. Now... on to our story!

Your daddy and I met back in November of 2002 and when we first met I knew IMMEDIATELY I was going to marry him. Oh, I was so upset! I never expected to get married but when I saw him - I just knew. My heart fluttered, and I just knew. I thought my calling in life was to be a teacher and a career woman and if I ended up getting married, cool. I always knew I wanted to have children but I never knew it would happen. Your daddy and I have an awesome love. We laugh together all the time and we enjoy our time together. We are best friends, and that's important. We married on May 14, 2005 at Saint John's Evangelical Lutheran Church. Our wedding was gorgeous! We made the decision to NOT try for a baby until we were married for one year. We knew too many people with "bad" or "boring" marriages because they're lives went from being about their relationship to about raising the children with no balance. We wanted to have our time as man and wife before creating a baby.

On our one-year anniversary, we went up to the family cabin for a romantic get away. After some time, I started feeling very worried that I was not getting pregnant. We could not figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't necessarily feeling "sick" --- I just knew something was not right with my body. My body started doing sad things that we could not explain. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS. Be grateful for being male, you won't have to worry about ovaries. :)

Every month your daddy and I anxiously waited for news that you were growing inside my tummy. Every month we had sad news. Every month we prayed and we didn't give up. Finally, after Mother's Day in 2010, I got really angry. Oh I was so upset!!! I marched into the doctor’s office (without an appointment) and demanded to see the doctor.

I told the doctor that I couldn’t have another Mother's Day without a baby. My heart hurt too much. All around me I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and babies. I wanted a baby. I wanted you. One of the nurses came into the room and told me about her friend’s father, Dr. Pellegrini. She told me that he was a wonderful doctor and that he could help us. The doctor came back in with a list of doctors that she thought could help your daddy and I. Dr. Pellegrini's name was on the list. He's such a good doctor that you had to wait some time to see him. I made an appointment to see him in July, after I came home from Ireland.

In June of 2010, Nana and I went on a trip to IRELAND! In every single Cathedral and Church we went to, we prayed for you. At St. Patrick's Cathedral (Dublin, Ireland), your Nana wrote a prayer in the prayer book for God to bless your daddy and I with a baby. I wrote two prayers in the book. I wrote a prayer for you. I also wrote a prayer for other women dealing with PCOS and infertility. I realized in Ireland that God had something wonderful in store for your daddy and I. I think I needed time away from everything to really have time with God. Ireland was the perfect place.

When I came home from Ireland, I met Dr. Pellegrini. We had lots of tests run and finally made a plan to fix my body so that it was ready to hold a baby. Christmas time came, and I went to see Dr. Pellegrini to see how my body was doing with the treatment for my thyroid and PCOS. He promised me that I would never again have a miscarriage and definitely not on his watch. I looked at him as if he were a crazy man! That's one heck of a promise to make! He told me that he felt this was my last Christmas without a baby and that I would be pregnant by the next time I see him (which would have been in April). He said that if I were not pregnant by April, then we would talk about taking special medicine to get me pregnant. He also said for me to enjoy my Christmas because next Christmas would be totally different. I was excited, but still thought he was nuts!

In January of 2011, my thyroid went whacko and Dr. Pellegrini told us to just focus on getting my thyroid under control instead of focusing on having a baby. It was a completely unexpected setback, which turned out to be minor. In February of 2011, your daddy and I FINALLY treated ourselves to a night out on the town and we went to see our favorite singer (Brad Paisley) in concert. We had such a good time! I remember on my twenty-ninth birthday, I posted on facebook (a social networking website which will probably be dead by the time you read this) that I just wasn't where I wanted to be at the age of twenty-nine. I remember writing about how badly I wanted to be a mommy. Your mommy. Little did I know, you were already growing inside of me.

In March of 2011, the fun began! I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. Your daddy and I didn't believe it. We knew you were coming. A few days after taking the test, I woke up from a very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was nursing you and Pud walked into the room and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade. It was the weirdest dream! I woke your daddy up and said, "I'm pregnant. I just dreamt it." It was 3am and your daddy looked at me as if I were off my rocker. I said to him, "I just dreamt that I was nursing a little boy and my dad came home and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade."

We got out of bed and I took a test. It was positive! We were so happy! We jumped up and down screaming in delight! We were crying tears of happiness. I saw Dr. Pellegrini every other day for the next five weeks to make sure you were safe and sound. During that time, we got to hear your heartbeat for the very first time and it was amazing.

Your daddy and I invited your Grammy to come with us for that appointment which was on St. Patrick's Day! I remember laying on the table and just watching your teeny tiny spec of a being twinkle like a star. I remember crying as I heard your heart beating. It was a magical and healing sound. I can't help but think of that twinkle when I sing "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" to you. Hearing your heartbeat on Saint Patrick's Day was incredibly symbolic to me. Here we were on this Irish Holiday listening to the baby we prayed so hard for. Listening to your heartbeat I thought of all the prayers I sent up to God here and when in Ireland. I thought of the shamrock and how the shamrock represents God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I knew then and there that you would be safe. I knew then and there that this dream we had dreamed for so long, was coming true.

I had an awesome pregnancy. There were no issues during the pregnancy and I loved growing in belly as you grew inside. I talked to you every single day of the pregnancy. Your daddy did, too. Every night before bed he would kiss my belly and then my cheek. We were so excited that you were coming. Actually, I should say EVERYONE was excited you were finally coming.

Before we knew it, November was here! You were scheduled to arrive on 11-7-11 via c-section. I had to have a c-section because you were so goofy that in October you decided to turn around inside of me ... you ended up facing my back with your toes in my ears. You definitely had personality in utero and you definitely have personality out! Holding you in my arms for the first time was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

You were named Elliot Walter. You were given a strong name for a reason. You are named after my Nana, Eleanor. "Elliot" means "The Lord is my God." You were named Walter after your Pud and GGPopWalt. "Walter" means "Commander of the Army". When you put these two names together it basically means "Strong faith" which is exactly what got you here. Strong faith. STRONG FAITH. And love. LOVE.

When your Pud came up to visit us in the hospital, I told him that I needed to nurse you. He then asked me if I needed anything, like a Gatorade from the cafeteria. Talk about déjà-vu! And... Christmas time came, and Dr. Pellegrini was so right. Christmas was perfect. PERFECT.

The point of this story is not just to tell you how you came to be. The main point is I want you to know that God has a plan for you. That God loves you. And that there is nothing in this world that you can't do without God. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop me from loving you. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop GOD from loving you. Elliot, you were in my heart from the very start. And when I first heard your heart, my heart grew. And now my sweet boy - you are my heart. I love you. You and your daddy are the loves of my life. You are the love of our life. You are our love and our joy.

Love,

Mommy

PS: When I see Shamrocks, I smile.

PS #2: When I see gatorade, I smile.

PS # 3: When I see you, I smile.

PS #4: When you smile, I smile