4 month letter to Elliot

March 7, 2012

My dear sweet Elliot,

It is March! And you are officially 4 months old! In honor of March being the month we celebrate St. Patrick's Day... I want this letter to be a story of how YOU came to be. The lesson for this letter will be for you to always follow your heart and to never give up. And above all else, trust in God. There is nothing in this world that you could do that would stop God (or daddy and I) from loving you.

You are a miracle. You are my love and my joy - and I tell you every day! There has not been one day where you have not heard those words followed by a big smooch and an "I love you!" I will probably tell you this story 1,000 times before you turn eighteen. And you will probably get super tired of hearing it. I just feel it is important for you to know what a blessing you are. There will come times in your life where you question your existence, where you question your worth, where you question everything. This letter is your answer to those tough questions. This letter is to let you know you are a dream come true and a part of God's plan. Now... on to our story!

Your daddy and I met back in November of 2002 and when we first met I knew IMMEDIATELY I was going to marry him. Oh, I was so upset! I never expected to get married but when I saw him - I just knew. My heart fluttered, and I just knew. I thought my calling in life was to be a teacher and a career woman and if I ended up getting married, cool. I always knew I wanted to have children but I never knew it would happen. Your daddy and I have an awesome love. We laugh together all the time and we enjoy our time together. We are best friends, and that's important. We married on May 14, 2005 at Saint John's Evangelical Lutheran Church. Our wedding was gorgeous! We made the decision to NOT try for a baby until we were married for one year. We knew too many people with "bad" or "boring" marriages because they're lives went from being about their relationship to about raising the children with no balance. We wanted to have our time as man and wife before creating a baby.

On our one-year anniversary, we went up to the family cabin for a romantic get away. After some time, I started feeling very worried that I was not getting pregnant. We could not figure out what was wrong with me. I wasn't necessarily feeling "sick" --- I just knew something was not right with my body. My body started doing sad things that we could not explain. I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS. Be grateful for being male, you won't have to worry about ovaries. :)

Every month your daddy and I anxiously waited for news that you were growing inside my tummy. Every month we had sad news. Every month we prayed and we didn't give up. Finally, after Mother's Day in 2010, I got really angry. Oh I was so upset!!! I marched into the doctor’s office (without an appointment) and demanded to see the doctor.

I told the doctor that I couldn’t have another Mother's Day without a baby. My heart hurt too much. All around me I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and babies. I wanted a baby. I wanted you. One of the nurses came into the room and told me about her friend’s father, Dr. Pellegrini. She told me that he was a wonderful doctor and that he could help us. The doctor came back in with a list of doctors that she thought could help your daddy and I. Dr. Pellegrini's name was on the list. He's such a good doctor that you had to wait some time to see him. I made an appointment to see him in July, after I came home from Ireland.

In June of 2010, Nana and I went on a trip to IRELAND! In every single Cathedral and Church we went to, we prayed for you. At St. Patrick's Cathedral (Dublin, Ireland), your Nana wrote a prayer in the prayer book for God to bless your daddy and I with a baby. I wrote two prayers in the book. I wrote a prayer for you. I also wrote a prayer for other women dealing with PCOS and infertility. I realized in Ireland that God had something wonderful in store for your daddy and I. I think I needed time away from everything to really have time with God. Ireland was the perfect place.

When I came home from Ireland, I met Dr. Pellegrini. We had lots of tests run and finally made a plan to fix my body so that it was ready to hold a baby. Christmas time came, and I went to see Dr. Pellegrini to see how my body was doing with the treatment for my thyroid and PCOS. He promised me that I would never again have a miscarriage and definitely not on his watch. I looked at him as if he were a crazy man! That's one heck of a promise to make! He told me that he felt this was my last Christmas without a baby and that I would be pregnant by the next time I see him (which would have been in April). He said that if I were not pregnant by April, then we would talk about taking special medicine to get me pregnant. He also said for me to enjoy my Christmas because next Christmas would be totally different. I was excited, but still thought he was nuts!

In January of 2011, my thyroid went whacko and Dr. Pellegrini told us to just focus on getting my thyroid under control instead of focusing on having a baby. It was a completely unexpected setback, which turned out to be minor. In February of 2011, your daddy and I FINALLY treated ourselves to a night out on the town and we went to see our favorite singer (Brad Paisley) in concert. We had such a good time! I remember on my twenty-ninth birthday, I posted on facebook (a social networking website which will probably be dead by the time you read this) that I just wasn't where I wanted to be at the age of twenty-nine. I remember writing about how badly I wanted to be a mommy. Your mommy. Little did I know, you were already growing inside of me.

In March of 2011, the fun began! I took a pregnancy test and it came up negative. Your daddy and I didn't believe it. We knew you were coming. A few days after taking the test, I woke up from a very vivid dream. I dreamt that I was nursing you and Pud walked into the room and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade. It was the weirdest dream! I woke your daddy up and said, "I'm pregnant. I just dreamt it." It was 3am and your daddy looked at me as if I were off my rocker. I said to him, "I just dreamt that I was nursing a little boy and my dad came home and asked me if I wanted a Gatorade."

We got out of bed and I took a test. It was positive! We were so happy! We jumped up and down screaming in delight! We were crying tears of happiness. I saw Dr. Pellegrini every other day for the next five weeks to make sure you were safe and sound. During that time, we got to hear your heartbeat for the very first time and it was amazing.

Your daddy and I invited your Grammy to come with us for that appointment which was on St. Patrick's Day! I remember laying on the table and just watching your teeny tiny spec of a being twinkle like a star. I remember crying as I heard your heart beating. It was a magical and healing sound. I can't help but think of that twinkle when I sing "Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star" to you. Hearing your heartbeat on Saint Patrick's Day was incredibly symbolic to me. Here we were on this Irish Holiday listening to the baby we prayed so hard for. Listening to your heartbeat I thought of all the prayers I sent up to God here and when in Ireland. I thought of the shamrock and how the shamrock represents God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. I knew then and there that you would be safe. I knew then and there that this dream we had dreamed for so long, was coming true.

I had an awesome pregnancy. There were no issues during the pregnancy and I loved growing in belly as you grew inside. I talked to you every single day of the pregnancy. Your daddy did, too. Every night before bed he would kiss my belly and then my cheek. We were so excited that you were coming. Actually, I should say EVERYONE was excited you were finally coming.

Before we knew it, November was here! You were scheduled to arrive on 11-7-11 via c-section. I had to have a c-section because you were so goofy that in October you decided to turn around inside of me ... you ended up facing my back with your toes in my ears. You definitely had personality in utero and you definitely have personality out! Holding you in my arms for the first time was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

You were named Elliot Walter. You were given a strong name for a reason. You are named after my Nana, Eleanor. "Elliot" means "The Lord is my God." You were named Walter after your Pud and GGPopWalt. "Walter" means "Commander of the Army". When you put these two names together it basically means "Strong faith" which is exactly what got you here. Strong faith. STRONG FAITH. And love. LOVE.

When your Pud came up to visit us in the hospital, I told him that I needed to nurse you. He then asked me if I needed anything, like a Gatorade from the cafeteria. Talk about déjà-vu! And... Christmas time came, and Dr. Pellegrini was so right. Christmas was perfect. PERFECT.

The point of this story is not just to tell you how you came to be. The main point is I want you to know that God has a plan for you. That God loves you. And that there is nothing in this world that you can't do without God. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop me from loving you. There is nothing in this world you could do that would ever stop GOD from loving you. Elliot, you were in my heart from the very start. And when I first heard your heart, my heart grew. And now my sweet boy - you are my heart. I love you. You and your daddy are the loves of my life. You are the love of our life. You are our love and our joy.

Love,

Mommy

PS: When I see Shamrocks, I smile.

PS #2: When I see gatorade, I smile.

PS # 3: When I see you, I smile.

PS #4: When you smile, I smile

i'm in love

Elliot's 2 month letter :)

My dear sweet Elliot Walter,

You are two months old! WOW! The time seems to be flying by and you are growing and learning more and more each day. Learning will be the theme of this second letter to you. And it's possible, I'll write more about learning in the future.

My biggest hope for you regarding learning is not only that you love it, but you do it with no penalty.

I want you to be able to learn and explore your curiousity. I want you to be confident in your abilities. To reach for the stars. To be the best you that you can be. I don't want anyone to ever interfere with your learning, including me!

It's probably going to be hard having a mom who is also a teacher. We'll probably have unique challenges. Just don't lose your drive and curiousity.

Now that you're a whopping 8.5 weeks old, you're starting to explore a bit more. It's so much fun for daddy and I to watch. You had your first Christmas, and you slept through it. You had your first New Years, and you slept through that as well. BUT your love and admiration for Christmas lights was/is truly memorable. You would stare for what seemed like hours at our mini fiber-optic Christmas tree. You also respond more obviously to sounds. And on one occassion, you had a run in with exploring touch by pulling the cats tail.

I want you to fall in love with learning. Treasure and value education. Make books your friend. Embrace learning but also embrace teaching. You have taught me so much already.

You have taught me that there is healing in a glance.

You have taught me that there is some sort of magic between us. You've taught me that there really is no wrong time for a good snuggle.

You have taught me that being a mom is the hardest and most rewarding job of my life.

You have taught me to enjoy the small moments. To enjoy the silly moments. One night you were incredibly fussy. I could NOT figure out what your problem was - ha! You were clean. You were dry. You weren't hungry. You didn't need to burp. You didn't need to poop. You didn't have anything in your eyes and I wasn't wearing a sweater. You were just wailing for no real reason. So I made a bunch of silly faces and noises and your eyes lit up and you made the funniest faces.

You taught me that sometimes, we don't need to be so analytical and serious. Sometimes we just need to let go and let loose.

You are teaching me to take joy in the simple moments.

You have taught me that it's important for you to fight for the things you desire. I fought for you and I have you now. And you fought your way into this world. You're my little fighter. You're my miracle. You're my love and my joy.

I may be a teacher as a profession, but you are teaching me much more than any class I've ever attended. I will always be proud of you, and I hope you'll be proud of me as well. I love you.

Love,

Mommy

One month letter to Elliot

My dear sweet Elliot Walter,

Well, my love? How does it feel to be on this earth for a month now? Each month for your first year of life I have vowed to write you a letter. This being your first month letter will be mushy. In coming months, I'll probably write about the cool things your doing, the milestones you've reached. But this letter is your starter letter where I won't go into too much detail about how good you are at sleeping and how cool it is that you can hold your head up super well (since you were two days old, in fact)! You will receive these letters when you're old enough and in a home of your own. So here we go... :)

Every morning when you wake up, I hold you close to my heart and look into your big gorgeous eyes and tell you, "Good morning my Elliot. You are my love and my joy." Every morning I say this to you, and you'll probably get tired of hearing it at some point... but it's true. You are my love. And you are my joy.

I can't believe it has already been a month. A whole month of mommy-hood for me! Without a doubt, you are a dream come true. You are an answer to a prayer. You are an inspiration to many women and couples struggling with infertility. You were an inspiration from the very beginning. You are my love and my joy.

I think one of the neatest things about being your mommy is how my heart can comfort you. You are so tiny and you can't talk yet. So crying is your way of communicating. I learned your cries instantly. Being able to comfort you means a lot to me because you have brought comfort to your father and I. It took mommy and daddy a very long time to get you here and now that you are here we are in complete awe of you. Sometimes we just lay with you and thank God for allowing our love to create you. At one point I said to your daddy, "My heart comforts him. I wonder if he knows that he IS my heart."

You are my love, and my joy.

You are a true miracle. You are literal living proof of the power of faith, love, and determination. You prove that there is nothing you can't do in this world without setting your mind to it. According to some doctors of my past, you shouldn't even exist. I was told I'd never have a healthy baby boy... let alone a baby at all. God blessed me with you. We proved them wrong.

You are my love, and my joy.

I hope and pray that as you grow up that you know and feel the love we feel for you. I hope you never ever doubt how loved and cared for you are. I hope you know that you are a dream come true to us. I hope you cherish yourself as much as we cherish you. I hope you carry yourself well and with strong moral character. I hope you know that we'll always be here for you.

You ARE my love and my JOY!

Soon after you were born, certain questions were asked.

The first questions was, "Was the wait worth it?" Most definitely! Good things take time and if there is anything I've learned is that we are on God's time and God's plan - not our own.

The second question was a bit harder, "Now that Elliot is here, is there still pain there from all you went through to get him here?"

Wow. That's a tough one! I never want to hold things from you, there will be no secrets between us. So by the time you read this letter you will probably know all about our journey to get you here. So to answer the question about the pain... the answer is... no. The pain is gone. And I remember FEELING it transform. The pain of the past started to dwindle the instant I heard you cry. It was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard in my life.

The pain became an instant blur the moment you were put in my arms. When your daddy brought you to me, I was still shaking from the medication and so worried I'd drop you. In that instant that he put you in my arms... the shaking STOPPED, my heart FILLED, and the past became a BLUR. It seemed like it was all a million yesterdays away. You were in my arms and you kept looking at me and holding onto my fingers. Your hand inside my hand cured the pain of the past. Your eyes looking into my eyes transformed what was once so vivid into a magical blur.

You are my love and my joy.

You are the greatest thing I've ever done.

Being your mom is an honor I will never take for granted.

So my first lesson for you in this first letter to you will be to always put your faith and trust in the Lord. Always know that God is with you. And always know that you are very loved.

Afterall, you are my LOVE and my JOY.

I love you,

--Mommy

"Grown-ups are so strange," the little prince said to himself as he went on his way....

Tonight I read Chapter 10 of "The Little Prince" to Elliot as I rocked him to sleep.

This book is just remarkable. I've probably read it 100 times and each time it's more and more special to me. Tonight we read about the vain flower, the power of lies, the truth in words, the way to care for a volcanoe and of course...strange grown-ups.

I think one of the neatest things about being a new mom is just observing and watching my son. Some of the moves he makes cause me to say, "Ah ha! That's what you were doing when you were inside of me!" But also, it's neat to see some of his inherited behaviors. He has several mannerisms that my husband has - and he has them all on his own - it's more inherited than learned. Either way, I must say I'm so in love with my little man (and my big man, too). :)

Welcome to the world, Elliot!

Elliot Walter was born on 11-7-11 @ 7:50am. He weighed in at 7lbs and 3 ounces. He truly is a dream come true. Holding him for the first time was the most remarkable experience of my life. I am so very much so in love!